Perserverence

Time to catch up. I am really enjoying my new job. There is enthusiasm, hope, and learning happening every day- and that is just me! The teachers and students share that too!  They have also been very gracious in welcoming me to the school. I have seen and heard wonderful exchanges of ideas and information in classrooms; I have experienced people willing to try new things; I smile as I go about my day.

Today, however, I encountered a teacher who was struggling. She was just plain overwhelmed with her classroom, students, new curriculum, a new grade level- life as she knew it was getting the best of her. As I talked with her, I began to reflect on how I have felt this way more than once. I could relate to her exactly! I knew the fear and panic that comes with feeling out of control and unsuccessful. My inner voice spoke to me... slow down. So, I said to her, "Slow down. Focus on one thing that will make your life a little easier, one thing you can control."

While I am not sure yet how her day ended, I know that our conversation ended with each of us smiling. Our spirits were comforted because we recognized ourselves in each other. What a connection to make. To those of you who find yourself in a similar situation, remember to breathe, go slowly and focus on only what you can control.  Celebrate the small successes.

Remember that God walks with you each day- reach for His hand.

"We rejoice in our sufferings because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope." Romans 5:3-4

Sometimes it speaks to me

Our pastor delivered an AWESOME sermon today based on the Gospel Matthew and the failing of Peter to walk on water. He told us how many preachers will use this lesson to tell us that our job is to have faith, hold the faith, squeeze the faith. He was quite irritated that this is what MOST people will focus on when reading this lesson: if only Peter had kept the faith he wouldn't have fallen. Pastor Luckey said, "We know we are supposed to have faith, preacher-man. We know what we are SUPPOSED to do. The trouble is that you are asking us to do what is not within us." You see, Peter failed to walk on water towards Jesus because he became more focused on the storm brewing in the ocean. Pastor Luckey pointed out that this is our natural tendency and that we ALL do it. But, he wanted us to know that the lesson he was preaching on is that Jesus still steps in to save us, He still reaches to us even when our faith seems flawed and THIS is the lesson or the point of the scripture.

Today's sermon really spoke to me because of the struggles I have been facing. Almost every day someone would kindly tell me that I needed to keep the faith. And almost everyday, I would pray that my faith would remain strong because I know that God has a plan for me. I believe that God has a plan for me- I have FAITH that God has a plan for me. However, almost everyday I would find my mind wandering to the "what-ifs". What if I didn't find a job? What if we have to sell our house? What if this ruins my career? What if I have no choice but to change careers? What if this impacts my health to the point of an MS relapse? You see what I mean.... I would focus on the brewing storm around me.

I learned today, however, that even when I am not fixing my eyes on Christ as He waits for me on the water, standing there encouraging me as He did Peter, He has His eyes on me. That is my FAITH; that I KNOW GOD will never take His focus off of me. He will ALWAYS have one hand outreached to me for when I stop being distracted by the storm- there is always a storm isn't there?

Thank you Lord for helping me today see that I haven't lost faith. It was with me all the time. Thank you Pastor Luckey for delivering this sermon today- it really spoke to me!

New Days

I have been thinking a great deal about letting go, acceptance, and making the best of a bad situation. Jeremy and I have had many long and difficult conversations about the situation we found ourselves in... me without a job.

I have had a great summer- I went home for a week and brought Julia with me. We had a BLAST! Some special people made time to hang out with me for a while and gave me lots of hugs! It was awesome! I recognize my blessings.

So as I struggled otherwise, I had to continuously remind myself of the many many blessings I have. I have a wonderful husband, and amazing family, a strong group of friends (even though they are mostly in Texas!), and a Lord and Savior whom I believe in completely. Jeremy and I made a plan should the unemployment continue. I reached out to my Pastor and asked for support and I continued to litter the region with my resume and applications!

Look what happened! I landed a job- one that I will be good at. One that I would like to do and one that relieves the financial strain we were feeling. I am more confident than ever that new days are ahead which means that I am solid in my foundation and am grateful for the continued reminders of how fragile life is.

Thanks for listening.

Two Points

It has been quite some time since I sat down to enter my thoughts on this page. I have kind of been avoiding it because I have been struggling and didn't want to report my poor attitude. I say attitude because my struggles have been with my attitude.

Today I filed for unemployment for the first time in my life and it was jarring. I don't know why it would shock me; I got to do it online rather than in person which I would assume is much more humbling. I am thankful that I can even make application for assistance during this period of unemployment, but I can't believe I am in the position to need it. I just can't believe that I was RIF'd. So, mark that one for the poopy attitude.

Two: knowing that I have been purposely left out of plans made by folks I truly thought were friends. That hurts and makes me ANGRY.

Roll these two things together and you get my carp-tastic mood lately. Struggling through the final days of employment (with absolutely nothing to do to occupy my time) and facing the fact that the few "friends" I thought I had made here in Lexington are not that great of friends after all- if at all.

In a bold move, I unfriended many folks on Facebook reducing my friend count from over 300 to under 200. I decided that if these women here weren't really my friends, then why would I continue to share any part of myself with them (via FB)? Well, that lead to... "this person never posts or responds.... I don't really know who this is.... I don't like what this one says most of the time.... who cares about some stupid game you are playing and won a trinket in...??" You see what I mean.

Now I am left with two questions more.... How/where can I get out and meet people when I have no where to go and nothing to do? Secondly, what in the world is the deal with Weiner? I mean REALLY dude, let it go!

Leads me to wonder

It has been almost a year since I moved to Kentucky and I am not sure I am any closer to feeling settled. Sure, I am finally with my love Jeremy; we are in our home; I don't get lost as often. But, I am not in a job I love. Granted, I love the teachers I work with and the kids, but the school has plans for next year that don't include me so that leaves me jobless. I have always defined myself by the work I do: I am a teacher. Now, I find myself wondering.... what does it say about me that I can no longer define myself that way?

I can't decide how much of the way I am feeling can be accredited to the situation of not having my contract renewed for next year. Or, how much is it related to the sour taste I am left with after not really being given a fair shake? Or, still, how much is because I have been so ill for two months now?

I don't have the drive or passion I once had. What does that say about me? Am I in a rut? A slump? Or, is it time to make a change? Obviously, I am still healing. I haven't made a full week (5 full days) of work since the end of March. I guess time will tell and I am so glad that in 15 more days I will have a lot of it on my hands!

Progress oh glorious progress!

Today, Friday, May 6th I noticed I am WALKING better than I have in over a MONTH! YEAH! God is good and so powerful!

I find myself thinking about gratitude. I am grateful for my wonderful husband, my amazing and supportive family, and my thoughtful friends. I know this has been a collaborative effort and I am grateful. Also in the news of my life, I have been able to work FOUR days this week and three of them were ALL DAY!

My goal next week is to start my day at my normal time. Who would have thought that I would set a goal to wake up at 5:30 in the morning to go to work?? But, there you have it!

In work related news, I am actively pursuing other positions since mine was "eliminated" for next year. I never really wanted to be back in this position again... of course who does. So I am pounding out that resume, working on cover letters, and trying to stay positive in a job market that is more intense than any before. Good gravy! If all else fails, I always have the lotto, right? Oh, wait, you have the PLAY to WIN! Darn.

Keep Truckin!

Well, yesterday I made a WHOLE day at work (8-2:30) and then today I couldn't make it in! BLAH! I couldn't walk well when I woke up, so I thought I had better stay home. Then, to my surprise, I slept until 3PM. GOOD GRIEF!

I have started physical therapy but with my snoozing today I didn't get to go to my session :(. I am really frustrated, to say the least! But, I will take it one day at a time and keep on truckin!

Fears

Over the last several days I have been thinking a lot about fears. Fear can be extremely powerful, when you let it gain momentum. I did that recently and it crippled me. A wise friend gave me the advice to just list them- "What are you afraid of Alison? Make a list." she said. So, I did. Alright, the list is in my head because I am not yet brave enough to actually write them down. Once I started admitting the things that I was scared of, I was able to verbalize them with Jeremy, and then I was able to feel some relief. Now comes my written list.... let the healing begin!

I am afraid of:
* not being able to return to work full time.
* needing to make accommodations to my life if I am not "restored" to normal.
* the fact that I don't have a job for next year.
* being on unemployment.
* not being able to give Jeremy and Julia what they need.

Okay that is enough... I don't think we should dive so deep into this exercise that I can't see the top anymore!

On the flip side, since acknowledging these fears, my spirits have definitely lifted and I have been able to share more with Jeremy by letting him carry some of the weight for me. I have realized that being married to him is quite a gift. He sees the best in me which helps me to go a little easier on myself, and for those that know me you KNOW I am a tough critic of myself. I am grateful for the mirror he holds up.

I say to all of you out there, God doesn't lead you to what He isn't going to lead you through. Don't let fear cripple you. I thought I knew that already but I obviously needed a reminder and I am thankful I have the support of people who can give me such reminders.

Giving Permission

As I sit home another day, I have to think about giving myself permission. I feel a lot of guilt; guilt that I am not at work; guilt that Jeremy may not be getting what he needs right now; guilt that I am not______. You get the idea. But, I know I have to give myself permission to heal, to take my time, to rest. Sometimes that will mean that I have to stay home. Sometimes that will mean that I miss an event with Julia. Sometimes that will mean that I have to ask for help. Oh, the pride I must swallow. I am leaning on my God during this Holy Week and am asking for help granting myself permission to do what I need to do for myself so I may continue to heal.

Psalm 118:1 (NRSV)

1 O give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; his steadfast love endures for ever!

This Way To Your Dream Job - Career - daveramsey.com

This Way To Your Dream Job - Career - daveramsey.com

Leaving my Mom

My sweet mother came to stay with me/us last Tuesday. She somehow, without my saying it, knew I needed her and she came. Call it mother's intuition, but she knew. She used her frequent flyer mileage to fly from Houston to Lexington and stay with me for almost a week. I felt measurably better the moment I saw her and was able to hug her, cry in her arms and sniffle, "I love you Mom." Sappy, huh! But so true!

Now, today, she is leaving to back home. Her time here has been wonderful. To have her all to myself, just her.

My symptoms are improving, albeit slowly. I am able to read the time on the cable box, I can read some print, and I am able to drive now! Obviously, I can see well enough to drive. I wouldn't do it if it wasn't safe for me or the other drivers :) I am going back to work tomorrow, with the promise to both Jeremy and Mom that I won't over do it and will go home if I get tired or weak. That is going to be a difficult promise to keep. I feel so much guilt about not being ABLE to do what I am accustomed to doing or what I think I should be able to do.

But a promise is a promise..... keep those prayers coming!

PS- I get to see my mom, dad, and Mimi this weekend when we celebrate Makayla's (my niece) FIRST birthday with Aaron and Ashleigh in Bloomington, IN.

Week 2

Today is Monday and it marks the start of the second week of my MS relapse.  The relapse began the week before my Spring Break; the week before family was to converge on our house for a nice relaxing visit; the week before I had all sorts of plans for fun and entertainment.

I woke up as I would on any other weekday, though things were a bit fuzzy.  I thought my contacts were stuck on my eyes again, and began to make my way to the alarm clock sounding in the kitchen (yes that is where I keep it!).  Jeremy was there attempting to shut it off so when he saw me coming he greeted me- only I could just hear him. I couldn't see him.  As I began to awaken more, I realized I wasn't walking correctly either.  I tried to talk and my speech was somewhat slurred as I recall; I really couldn't get the words out.  I mumbled- something is wrong and Jeremy held out his hand to help me back to the bedroom.

I needed help.  I couldn't manage to get back in bed.  I knew I couldn't go to work, but for how long?  Just the day?  With MS- who knows?  SOMETIMES I can bounce back after a few more hours of rest.  Jeremy let my school know I wouldn't be in....and so it began.

Family came and went, trips to the zoo and other fun places were squashed by my immobility or by the weather. My good times with family were had alright, as long as they straddled the infusion therapy I would require for five days and the many many naps and early nights I would require.  What good sports!  Luckily we are a family who loves to play games so there were many a game-night in the Martinez household during this stay-cation!

So, here I sit another week at home.  Only, this time, there is no one here with me except my loyal pup who becomes ever more curious when she hears me clanking around in the kitchen.  I am struck at how she never tires of that sound- how each time she bounds into the kitchen with renewed enthusiasm for what might be.  I think I will take a page from my loyal friend's book- each day is a new one.  Each day brings new hope for recovery and I am reminded that God brings that "new" every time He lays His hands.