Fears

Over the last several days I have been thinking a lot about fears. Fear can be extremely powerful, when you let it gain momentum. I did that recently and it crippled me. A wise friend gave me the advice to just list them- "What are you afraid of Alison? Make a list." she said. So, I did. Alright, the list is in my head because I am not yet brave enough to actually write them down. Once I started admitting the things that I was scared of, I was able to verbalize them with Jeremy, and then I was able to feel some relief. Now comes my written list.... let the healing begin!

I am afraid of:
* not being able to return to work full time.
* needing to make accommodations to my life if I am not "restored" to normal.
* the fact that I don't have a job for next year.
* being on unemployment.
* not being able to give Jeremy and Julia what they need.

Okay that is enough... I don't think we should dive so deep into this exercise that I can't see the top anymore!

On the flip side, since acknowledging these fears, my spirits have definitely lifted and I have been able to share more with Jeremy by letting him carry some of the weight for me. I have realized that being married to him is quite a gift. He sees the best in me which helps me to go a little easier on myself, and for those that know me you KNOW I am a tough critic of myself. I am grateful for the mirror he holds up.

I say to all of you out there, God doesn't lead you to what He isn't going to lead you through. Don't let fear cripple you. I thought I knew that already but I obviously needed a reminder and I am thankful I have the support of people who can give me such reminders.

Giving Permission

As I sit home another day, I have to think about giving myself permission. I feel a lot of guilt; guilt that I am not at work; guilt that Jeremy may not be getting what he needs right now; guilt that I am not______. You get the idea. But, I know I have to give myself permission to heal, to take my time, to rest. Sometimes that will mean that I have to stay home. Sometimes that will mean that I miss an event with Julia. Sometimes that will mean that I have to ask for help. Oh, the pride I must swallow. I am leaning on my God during this Holy Week and am asking for help granting myself permission to do what I need to do for myself so I may continue to heal.

Psalm 118:1 (NRSV)

1 O give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; his steadfast love endures for ever!

This Way To Your Dream Job - Career - daveramsey.com

This Way To Your Dream Job - Career - daveramsey.com

Leaving my Mom

My sweet mother came to stay with me/us last Tuesday. She somehow, without my saying it, knew I needed her and she came. Call it mother's intuition, but she knew. She used her frequent flyer mileage to fly from Houston to Lexington and stay with me for almost a week. I felt measurably better the moment I saw her and was able to hug her, cry in her arms and sniffle, "I love you Mom." Sappy, huh! But so true!

Now, today, she is leaving to back home. Her time here has been wonderful. To have her all to myself, just her.

My symptoms are improving, albeit slowly. I am able to read the time on the cable box, I can read some print, and I am able to drive now! Obviously, I can see well enough to drive. I wouldn't do it if it wasn't safe for me or the other drivers :) I am going back to work tomorrow, with the promise to both Jeremy and Mom that I won't over do it and will go home if I get tired or weak. That is going to be a difficult promise to keep. I feel so much guilt about not being ABLE to do what I am accustomed to doing or what I think I should be able to do.

But a promise is a promise..... keep those prayers coming!

PS- I get to see my mom, dad, and Mimi this weekend when we celebrate Makayla's (my niece) FIRST birthday with Aaron and Ashleigh in Bloomington, IN.

Week 2

Today is Monday and it marks the start of the second week of my MS relapse.  The relapse began the week before my Spring Break; the week before family was to converge on our house for a nice relaxing visit; the week before I had all sorts of plans for fun and entertainment.

I woke up as I would on any other weekday, though things were a bit fuzzy.  I thought my contacts were stuck on my eyes again, and began to make my way to the alarm clock sounding in the kitchen (yes that is where I keep it!).  Jeremy was there attempting to shut it off so when he saw me coming he greeted me- only I could just hear him. I couldn't see him.  As I began to awaken more, I realized I wasn't walking correctly either.  I tried to talk and my speech was somewhat slurred as I recall; I really couldn't get the words out.  I mumbled- something is wrong and Jeremy held out his hand to help me back to the bedroom.

I needed help.  I couldn't manage to get back in bed.  I knew I couldn't go to work, but for how long?  Just the day?  With MS- who knows?  SOMETIMES I can bounce back after a few more hours of rest.  Jeremy let my school know I wouldn't be in....and so it began.

Family came and went, trips to the zoo and other fun places were squashed by my immobility or by the weather. My good times with family were had alright, as long as they straddled the infusion therapy I would require for five days and the many many naps and early nights I would require.  What good sports!  Luckily we are a family who loves to play games so there were many a game-night in the Martinez household during this stay-cation!

So, here I sit another week at home.  Only, this time, there is no one here with me except my loyal pup who becomes ever more curious when she hears me clanking around in the kitchen.  I am struck at how she never tires of that sound- how each time she bounds into the kitchen with renewed enthusiasm for what might be.  I think I will take a page from my loyal friend's book- each day is a new one.  Each day brings new hope for recovery and I am reminded that God brings that "new" every time He lays His hands.